A self-reflection and healing are something I am hoping to obtain. While embracing all the emotions life brings and not hiding from them. In this pandemic, being isolated has caused me to reflect on my life. Without the busy hustle and bustle of everyday emotions run close to the surfaced.
Today I decided I would change my status from married to a widow on my Facebook page. What prompted this is someone text me and asked does your husband know you are poking me back?
Hmmm – I thought maybe it was time to put his Facebook page as a legacy, and in doing so, it would list my relationship as a widow. I had a breakdown. Full-blown breakdown, tears, heartache, it was like I was giving the last bit of hope that I had up. His beautiful face on my page – will no longer say, husband.
I believe I had to do this to heal and move on. I didn’t know how much until now – I must live in a fantasy. It goes like this: If I don’t acknowledge the gritty truth, I can still believe and pretend (on some level) that it is not so. Can you imagine after three years?
These last few months, I have recalled memories that were not only of his sickness but the life we lead—the fun we had and the complete uniqueness that was my husband. One of a kind, for sure. I think allowing myself to go back into time when things were so happy has opened up some wounds, or maybe it is just allowing me to open up to the next chapter of my life. I thought I had already started – but not really because this kind of raw pain shows me I still have a lot of work to do.
But in the meantime, I will be determined to try and wake up each day in the thought of gratitude. I have much to be grateful for; this is something that I must not forget.